Tomorrow marks this site’s fifth birthday.
Five years ago I moved to Nanjing and the intention of the site was to document the adventures, every-day experiences, and thoughts of my time spent on a continent, country, and city whose language, customs, and culture could be so very different than my own.
I learned that kind people are found everywhere; that the good thing about globalization is that I could walk into a McDonald’s anywhere in the world, head to the cash register, point my index finger to the sky, and the cashier would nod, smile, and give me a big mac meal (See Also: bad things about globalization); and that time – in and of itself – solves nothing, but that it requires intention, growth, will, and action to change.
And so I wrote. Through the writing and actual action – with enough miles and pages between the now and then – I hope I have changed and grown.
But somewhere along the line I stopped writing for myself. This site was never so much a conversation between reader and writer, but more of an internal monologue. The thought being that throwing everything out on the page would allow me to filter through, sift it all, and figure out what’s true.
Tell enough stories, talk about enough songs, find the appropriate metaphors, and the underlying truths will be made clear.
But it’s only as effective as the truth, song, and story that’s put on the page; there has been too little truth and too much editing. The metaphors and analogies are too convoluted to be effective or discernible and I can no longer descry the foundations in the gloaming.
If part of growth and the process is knowing when to stop, then this is me growing and processing. End of line.
It’s not an easy decision; I hate stopping. Part of it is me, another part is when I was told, many years ago, that giving up or stopping something means that I don’t care enough about it – that it doesn’t matter to me. The stark demarcation has always unsettled me and I’ve never known if it’s true or not. If I stop, then does it equate to my not caring? If I stop now, then does it follow that it was always a worthless endeavor?
I don’t know if I owe this site, or you, any explanation, but I do want to clarify that the reason I’m stopping has nothing to do with me not caring, but just the opposite. It’s about how very much I do care and how much it means to me. If I can’t be honest here, then I’m not growing. If I’m not growing, then I’m either stagnating or reverting. Neither of which are acceptable.