How does a year change things? I suppose that the question is flawed by placing the onus on time rather than anything else but maybe I would like to say that it is in the time that things changed, but the truth of the matter is that it’s on the individual. It’s with me.

What’s the quote? There’s no such thing as a mistake. There’s what you do and what you don’t do.

And it always comes down to choices. My choices were wrong. Consistently. My choices were to deceive. Others, myself, everyone…

Was it a mistake a year ago? Was it the wrong choice for the wrong reasons? The right choice for the wrong reasons?

One of my problems has always been with memory. I look back and I can’t understand myself or the actions/decisions made. I don’t remember the rationalizations or impulses. I forget the train of thought.

In the past six months I’ve seen the ugliest side of me that I never knew I had. I’ve seen myself broken and I’ve wallowed in it. The one person who I promised to never hurt, deceive, or leave. And I did all three again and again.

I guess my question is if this was always me or if it was just this huge impulsive change overnight. How does one destroy goodness with such blatant disregard for the past, future and present?

What is it called when someone knows how everything will play out and they do it nonetheless? Stupidity? It can’t be stupid because there is foresight and a rational thinking process. Idiocy, by it’s very definition, implies ignorance. And I can’t claim that. And I can’t even say that it was a one-time thing…it’s again and again and again. It’s promises made and disregarded time and time again.

So…what then? I’m all for the dramatic “I’ve changed” “I can be a better person” “I shall go and slay the dragon” “I’ll take the hero’s journey”

But what happens the next day? Can people really change? That’s a dumb question, I guess. Evolution happens everyday. I suppose, then, that just means that she doesn’t think I have the desire, will or capacity for it. She wants to forgive herself for thinking that I did? For thinking that I was capable of it at any time in the past X years?

I’ve been looking back on this site and through some old journal entries and it’s the same thing all throughout. I want to change and grow…but I don’t. It was the same promise again and again “I’ll be a man for you” but I never was.

And so here I am. Confused by what happened and not fully understanding it…but that’s not really true anymore because I’m seeing it clearly at the same time. What changed in a year? Nothing. Things got uglier—I got uglier—but that’s it. Maybe that’s why I place so much importance on this marathon. Maybe at least there—for once—I can point to it and say that I accomplished something. And it’s a stupid run, but at the same time, I can say that I grew and I set out to do something and wasn’t deterred and while I fell, I was able to get up again and again and set my mind to it.

Sad that the only thing I ever invested a portion of myself into is a stupid 20-mile run and that this is the only thing I can hold up and be proud of.