This weekend has been notably quiet. Free from drama, confusion or chaos. The truth of the matter is that as much as I’d like to say that it’s imposed on me…the reality is that I’m the one making the choices placing me in chaotic situations. What has surprised me is the full extent of it all.

I ran my miles today and did it quickly. Maybe, if I keep this up, I’ll actually make good time come race day. It also got me thinking of how important this race is to me. In spite of how much I complain about this marathon, I’ve been dedicated and committed to the process. I’ve given up nearly all of my Saturday nights in order to run Sunday mornings, I’ve been running nearly everyday for the past couple of months and I’ve actually been raising money for it.

It’s the only thing in all of 2006 that I can look at and say that I’m better now than when I started. Sad as it may be, it’s the only evidence that I have that personal evolution is possible for me…the sadder part is that, in reality, it’s all I have. Without running to keep me steady and keeping me optimistic about things…I got nothin’. Everywhere else I have this gigantic hurricane around me while I’m trying to somehow put parts of my life together piece by broken piece. And the one calm port I have, the one thing I have to hold on to is the comfort in the rhythm of the run and the pace of my breaths.

And the decision to run this marathon started so long ago on a whim…but somehow it stuck. And I didn’t need a ring to remind me of it everyday. I didn’t need a glass of wine to fall into it. I just…chose to run. I wanted it. And, in wanting it…it just wasn’t hard. which is not to say that there are days that I don’t want to run or that there are days in which I run 100% or run at all. But I run nonetheless. Or I do something in its stead. Or I resolve to run more the next day.

But in the end, the decision is made. I want this, so I won’t fuck it up. I’m doing this for myself and it’s a promise I won’t break. And once that choice is made, both consciously and unconsciously, then the rest isn’t so hard anymore.

I wonder if instead of putting things off, being dishonest with myself, and going at it half-assed from the start, other things could have been different. No, I don’t wonder, I hate the fact that I know that this is only part of what I’m capable of doing once I push away the distractions and chaotic parts of my life.

And yet..I did the unforgivable. I can’t fix it. I can’t go back…but I guess I always have known what needs to be done.