I’ve spent a good part of today cleaning up and organizing some boxes from the big move. Since I gave blood this morning I couldn’t really do much else but stay seated, so it worked out well. However, in these boxes were letters that, in my younger days I would’ve torn up already. After all, what is in the past and in shreds can’t hurt you, right? To be totally honest, I’m not sure why I didn’t do it last year. I was certainly in the irresponsible state of mind and didn’t really care about consequences or deeper meanings (or meanings at all). For whatever reason, I kept the letters. I kept them in places where I’d stumble across them on a pretty regular basis, every couple of weeks or months or so.
And it kills me. I sigh, I get a sad smile and I think of things that I would’ve done differently, or I remember how I reacted when I first received the letters. I think of how I should have been and what I should have done.
Which begs the question: what is to be done now? A big theme last fall was of windows of opportunity closing. I always thought that with time and rebuilding, then things would get better…but that time would be needed first. So I just throw my hands up in the air satisfied that we tried? I do it the way that I think I should?
Like I said, this blog is going to make a big push away from the self-pitying and it’ll try to actually be amusing, witty but also insightful. I’ve got a long run ahead of me tomorrow morning and I have a lot of big changes coming up. I’m scared and excited and part of me is thrilled that I’ll be doing it alone. Maybe I believe that I’ll find more of myself or something like that. The other part is close to despairing that I’ll be doing it alone and that it’ll just be sad and empty, regardless of the things gained or learned. After all, what is success or the winning of the race if no one was there with you or no one is waiting for you at the finish line?
I went to go see Transformers, 1408 and Sicko in the past two weeks. All good and interesting movies but having no one else to share it with?
I keep on telling myself that I’m growing and that I’ll be ok. I hope that if I run enough or focus enough then I’ll either start believing it or it just won’t matter so much anymore.