After finishing the extended 12 day “week” of hell, I think I can actually rest tonight. Which is both fortunate and not. On the one hand this is a good thing because the only reason I’ve been standing the past three days has been 1) the IV hooked up to my arm feeding me Vitamin C, and 2) will power alone. I’ve been deathly sick and have easily lost like five pounds due to throwing up. Sadly, being sick has done wonders with respect to weight loss over a short amount of time. I almost feel as if I need to find a way to patent this or do it every now and then just to avoid having to run regularly.
On the unfortunate side of things, I was hoping to head back home tonight for a concert of one of my favorite bands. Unfortunately I think I’m going to have to skip out on that tonight since I still really don’t feel well. Today has been more of a “I’m not seeing Death at ever corner waiting for me to fall down and die” rather than a “I feel awesome” day.
I’m happy that the paper is finally done and sent out. It’s a huge relief, though I believe we’re getting our final paper assignment this afternoon. Law school, it turns out, is not nearly as fun as I thought it was. It’s one of those things where it just really doesn’t stop. Someone at my old job had recommended that I get a dog because I’d be spending a lot of time at home and it’d be a good distraction. Good lord was that person an idiot. That or they wanted me to fail. The majority of the time I’m at the library or pretty wrapped up trying to understand a case or memorize a Rule. I’m doing all I can just to remember to eat healthy and go out for a run a couple of times a week…I can’t imagine having the added responsibility of a dog.
That being said, I do kinda wish I had one. I have awesome names for it. I think I’d end up getting two…now the question is when I’ll ever have the time to focus on them.
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Something that I’m going to go into much more detail sometime in the future, but I’ve come across something sortof weird lately. I’m starting to think that there are only a fixed number of…well, of kinds of people. And, I’m not sure if this is because of my personality yet, but that life is almost a series of repeats. When I was in college, for example, I liked this girl. She seemed particularly different and somehow stood out. Now, since college, which, sadly, was a long time ago, I’ve met two or three other girls that seem just like her, just with a different face and name.
From college to working in DC to living in China to back in DC to law school, I feel like maybe names and faces change…but people don’t. Is it archetypes? Or, worse, is it just a reflection of myself? Is it that I haven’t changed since High School or College and I keep on surrounding myself with the same people over and over again? I’m not verbalizing this well, and the truth of the matter is that I don’t really understand it myself and with exception of the girl, this isn’t something that I’ve really noticed until lately. The weird thing is that the people I meet that seem like archetypes of people from my past were never central characters in my life. They’re all secondary players who never really counted for much…but time and time I see them again. It’s a weird sense of deja vu…except that it’s with my life.
Can we really change? Can we really evolve? Are we forever the prisoner of our actions?
But while it’s easy to fall into that thinking and the despair, the truth of the matter is that I am truly blessed and I take certain things way too granted. A phone call, a text message and I’m reminded that we may never know the answer as to whether or not we’ll change or evolve, but that that’s almost the point of it all.
I’ll never really know whether or not I’ll take over the world, I’ll never really know whether or not I’ll finish a marathon in 3 hours…the truth of the matter is that I’ll never really know if I’ll wake up tomorrow morning. What I do know is that we should strive to do nothing which of no use. And that means that we constantly strive to know ourselves. To understand ourselves and to be able to speak with our true voices…that the gods won’t speak to us until we have faces.
And, I don’t know…I guess it depends on the day I’m asked. But the goal is somewhere between giving it your all and finding your face, your voice, your raison d’être. Somewhere in between the process and the achievement. That’s where truth and self-awareness lies. That’s the real goal. That’s the real voice.
In any case, today I’m tired, feverish, sad, and lonely. Nostalgic for dreams of shadows…but I’m still here. And I’m still trying to find my voice and my face. And today, I think that that’s enough.
Class time.
Oh, and I really liked this article. :)
