The question’s simple, but the answer hard.
What is there really to be said about another birthday? Probably the same thing that there is to be said about the past year: good riddance, let’s just move on to the next act. At this point, I really have forgotten how to quantify what a “good” year even means or looks or feel like. And the truth of the matter is that it is dawning on me that I am not the only person involved in measuring the progress of my year.
And I have no idea whether or not that is how it is supposed to be.
Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.
Is it the same when measuring out the progress of the past year or of one’s life in general? I wonder. Is this a weighted measurement? What if you let go of people or actively stop potential friendships and relationships? What does that say? And is that a reflection of you or of them or of everyone involved?
In some respects, this year has been productive and positive.
Getting out of the miserable job was a great decision and although I miss the money, I love having time and happiness back. The lessons learned from that experience? There are some things that you just can’t give up. The new and the flashy will never ever replace the true. And once that is lost, it’s impossible to have the true be as shiny and clear and new as it once was.
Flirting with the idea of getting involved in development and networking and fundraising was an eye-opener and it’s not something I want to forget any time soon, and I want to jump back in as soon as possible. Lesson learned? Learn how to commit. In order to get things done and done well, there is no half-assed approach. One must be committed and believe in the vision and one’s self in order to be great. One’s word and reputation is all that one has, and, like above, once lost, it’s almost impossible to put it back like was before, and it’ll never shine like it once did.
I went to law school, and that’s something that I still don’t know how to measure. I’d say that it depends on grades, but at the end of the day, law school is about finding a way to test myself and see what I am capable of. After my last final I remember realizing that I wanted to keep on trying. I’m not yet done proving myself to myself. I have more to give. And that’s the lesson learned, I think, from law school so far. Give it your all, and always keep growing. It’s way too easy to fall into the trap of caring about class rankings and grades and evaluations. Which is not to say that it’s unimportant, but that it is not the end, but a means to an end. In law school, and in life in general, it is so easy to mistake the means for the ends. But the things that determine our worth, rather the things that should determine our worth, are our dreams and our own personal ends and goals.
In those respects, this year wasn’t terrible or particularly painful. But part of the reflection is also in focusing on the things that I want to change and not repeat.
It’s been a running theme that I’ve become the party guy or the drinker of my small group of friends, and that used to be great and I embraced it. I loved being the fun guy that everyone would go out and drink with; the center of the attention and the fun. But at this stage in the game, I’m embarrassed of it and want that association as far away from me as possible. For the most part, I consider myself a serious, introspective, and contemplative person, and that really is how I want my friends to view me. And it just bothers me so much when 90% of my time really is about moderation and having one beer and good, fun conversation with friends, and the other 10% of the time is when I slip up and it just so happens that my friends’ significant others see me during those times.
I had other things written out, but the truth of the matter is that while I’ve been working on it, I need to keep on ensuring that who I feel I am and how others perceive me sync up with each other. I want one face and one life for all. And that hasn’t been happening. It’s been getting better, but it’s not where I want it.
I need to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. And so I need to keep on running and writing. Running and writing is my own way to meditate, to measure, to center and to find myself.
There is a person who I want to be. I want to have a Weimaraner. I want to live in England, I want to work in Asia or in India, I really want to travel to Turkey. I want to get into the world of finance and development policy. I want to found AR and RG. I want good friends who love me, I want people to think I’m dependable and trustworthy. I want love. And I think that I would like to have someone to love and to trust and to learn and to live with me; and I with her. I want to feel like I can stand up and finally say, “This is who I am.” More than anything, though, I want to feel like I’m on my way. And that’s the thing that I think surprises me the most about myself. In my mind, the goals themselves are almost secondary. What really matters to me is the process of getting there. My measurement or success, ultimately, is in progress and hopefulness. Maybe it’s that feeling that I get from running. I can’t start training for a marathon, or even be three months into training and determine success as whether or not I can run 26.2 miles in under 4 hours. Success, for me at least, is whether or not I can see myself doing that months from now. If I’m doing everything in my power now so that I can accomplish my task then.
And…so, I don’t know how to look back on this year. There have been a lot of mistakes that I made, and I feel like the overall goal of finding myself was hampered or retarded, but is there room for hope? Was there, at the end of the day, progress? Do I feel like I’m on my way? Was it a good year? Was my 25th year wasted?
It was better than the year before, but there was too much delay, too much equivocation, too many mistakes and missed opportunities. I didn’t do everything in my power this year to make sure that I would be where I wanted to be next year or five years from now.
So, no, this wasn’t a good year. It was certainly worlds better than the prior one, but that’s not the measurement I’ll be using any more. But it’ll get better from now on. From now on, I won’t take any more steps back.
Josh Ritter – Good Man
Matt Nathanson – Suspended
Regina Spektor – Samson
Ingrid Michaelson – Starting Now
Alexi Murdoch – Blue Mind
Mike Doughty – Unsingable Name
The Eels – Fresh Feeling
Terra Naomi – Flesh For Bones
Modest Mouse – Missed the Boat
Counting Crows – Mrs. Potter’s Lullabye
Gary Jules – Wichita
Barenaked Ladies – When I Fall