China’s been good for me inasmuch as that it’s a regular challenge in just about every way. Things that I avoided back at home pop up here and hit me over the head over and over until I have to re-examine my assumptions and intentions. At the end of the day, the question is essentially: What is it that I want? In relationships, in my professional life, etc. “The Question’s can be simple, but the answers hard.
In relationships, what kind of relationship do I want? Am I really willing to make the sacrifices and put in enough commitment, trust and faith into Ali and myself?
In my professional life, can I overcome the fear of taking a chance and putting myself out there? Will I study and network and try…even if I don’t win immediately? Can I deal with the possibility of gradual improvement?
Come to think about it, the issue really is the same in both scenarios. Am I willing to put myself into a situation in which I don’t have the control and in which I commit myself one way or another? I’m here in China and it really is no different than back at home. In both situations I want the fantasy of commitment…I imagine myself as the hard-working professional or the incredibly awesome boyfriend in the incredibly awesome relationship…but I refuse to work for any of those things. As soon as the time to step up to bat comes up, I have one foot out the door. And that prevents me from doing a lot of things…like trusting, having faith, and truly having something true and incredible. My mantra is regularly “nothing worth having is easy”...but I always want the fantasy of something worth having falling at my feet.
So I commit to nothing. Keep my options open, keep on telling myself that something better will just happen and that the wonder and beauty of life will happen through osmosis. But it’s shooting myself in the foot over and over again, hoping that somehow things will be different next time.
And it’s easy to say that this time will be different, but this is a daily, constant, pain-in-the-ass change. And it’s fraught with risks, the possibility of failure, disappointment…but it is also the only way to truly live. After all, nothing worth having is easy.