Apologies for the extended absence. I’ve been trying to write more, and I have, but it’s bits and pieces of story ideas mixed in with parts of myself that, frankly, are too much me to share. Besides, I’m trying to shift the tone of this site away from the uninteresting “here I am and let me whine to you” to something else. Which isn’t to say that I don’t want the tone of this site to be anything but honest, but I also want to give readers a reason to come back, and I’m pretty sure that whining and moping doesn’t really do the trick. To a large extent, though, I wonder about that…what’s the appropriate level of honesty and openness? Some of my favorite blogs aren’t really about anything, thisfish is one of the first ones that comes to mind, but it’s really just about this girl and…well, life. Some of the other sites that I like the most are just about life, stories, and the occasional photograph. Which isn’t to say that I wish I could write like Dan over at redacted because it nearly always makes me laugh and he makes the same observations as I, but he’s just a hell of a lot funnier about them then I could be. I want to learn how to observe and how to be fearless and open. I’m too reserved and end up writing about nothing of import or significance while boring the world.

After summer classes ended, I picked up running for about 1.5-2 hours a day. I’ve been wearing out my already worn shoes, and my 2L present to myself will be a new pair of running shoes. (Brooks trance or adrenaline?) Sadly, this will likely be the high point of the upcoming semester. I must be honest, running makes me happy like nearly nothing else can. It’s almost always painful, it can be a chore, I end up sweaty and smelly, and there are entire weeks where I feel like I’m the slowest and fattest person in the world and nothing will ever change that…

But when it works, it works. And over time, almost against all odds (including all the fight that I put up), I find myself running faster and longer. I find that my breathing changes. I find that suddenly, every second matters. I like who I am when I’m running. I like how I feel after the run as the sun is setting. I like who it is that I’m becoming. Which sounds odd, I know, but I don’t know else to explain it. One of my goals for this summer was to cut down to the bones, as it were. To set fire to the whole thing and find the foundations that still stand true. Through writing and running…Through talking and being open to myself…I wanted to find the pieces of myself that are true. It may sound trite or stupid, but somewhere along the line I feel like I lost it all. The running is symbolic in that I’m trying to cut the fat and get back to the person I was…or, more importantly, the person I can be. I’m not trying to go back to some idyllic place, but I want to get to the place where I know I belong…some place where I know I am capable of going.

And like some distant memory, I find it in the run. When each and every second begins to matter for the race, when I learn how to breathe again, when I reach that point of self-awareness that I understand what my body is telling me at the 1, 2, or 6 -mile point…that’s something. That’s who I want to be.

But I’ve more I want to say. But I’m too scared or uncertain to write it out…

Tristan Prettyman – Don’t Work Yourself Up
Wolf Parade – The Grey Estates
Martin Sexton – Women and Wine
Death Cab For Cutie – Your New Twin Sized Bed
Jamie T – So Lonely Was The Ballad
Jamie Lidell – Wait For Me
Sun Yan Zi – Chao Kuai Gan
Vampire Weekend – I Stand Corrected
New Buffalo – Versary
Billy Bragg – A New England
Ashley Tisdale – Kiss The Girl (Shut the hell up, it’s surprisingly catchy and it’s from the little mermaid soundtrack that I bought years ago and it showed up while I was running a couple of days ago)