Dear November,

Obviously, we got off on the wrong foot. I thought we were cool, but I must’ve done something to upset you. Maybe the beard? Maybe the running? Maybe you don’t like what I’ve been writing for NaNoWriMo? Maybe you’re jealous that I like September and October so much. Who knows?

My point is, this is fixable. We can get through this so long as we start now.

So here’s what I’m going to do:

  • First off, I’m going to leave these cookies and a $50 on the table and then I’m going to turn around and go to the library for a while. If I come back tonight and they’re both gone, then I won’t ask questions.
  • This month is inherently stressful, that’s the way it is (Lawyer Mantra: It is what it is), so the real question is: how can we prepare for the inevitable stress of the month? Answer?
  • I need the endorphins. I don’t see myself getting laid anytime soon (Berto: 1, November: 46), so I’ll make time to go to the gym more often. Besides, all the running I did in September was effectively neutralized by my bum knee and massive amounts of junk food (3 burgers in a week? Don’t mind if I do!) in October. Also, I miss the yoga.
  • Write more. I know, I know. I say this every time, but it’s gotta stick one of these days. It makes me happy. Happy Berto = less likely to be offended and bothered when November tries to trip me up.
  • End sentences with prepositions. It feels good to break Latinate rules, doesn’t it? Try it out.

So, that’s the plan, November. I give you cookies and a $50, and then I do my best to make sure your so-called trials and tribulations don’t bother me so much.

December? I’ll deal with you shortly.