I hate girl scout cookie season. There, I said it.

The cookies are delicious, I’ll be the first to admit. But it’s such a shameful process from beginning to end. On the one hand, we have children peddling their wares on the streets and in front of grocery stores. And these wares being peddled? They’re the Devil’s food.

Damnit, little girl in your stupid uniform with your ridiculous hat, do you know how much will-power it took me to NOT buy Oreos or Cinnabons while I was just in that damn grocery store? The ONLY way that I can get through that will-sucking exercise is by repeating two things to myself:

1. Raspberries, Blueberries, Greek Yogurt, and Granola all taste JUST as delicious as an Oreo would.
2. I need to buy healthy items so that I can proudly judge people’s contents in their carts at the check-out aisle.

But now that I’ve stepped outside, guilt-free and my self-righteous judgment quota of the hour has been satisfied? WHY ARE YOU OFFERING ME DELICIOUS THIN MINTS, DEVIL CHILD? It’s like selling chocolate liqueur after forcing an alcoholic to pass through a grocery store with its own liquor aisle(s).

And just like that alcoholic, I know that No One Would Know if I just buy one box.

But you do know, little girl, don’t you? You know that it’d end up being 7 boxes, a mumbled excuse of “relatives” or a made-up “wife”, and then it’d be an illicit rush home to rip open the packaging and the frenzied attack to eat as many Thin Mints and Samoas as possible before the rational part of my brain realizes what the hell just happened. And just like that, 6 2 days later, in disbelief that my “stash” is empty, I’d find myself – junkie-like – trying to inhale the crumbs of what used to be 5 7 boxes worth of The Good Stuff.

Samoas? More like Samoashame.

And even if I manage to avoid your grocery/street-side Fat Traps, I still have to deal with you at the workplace.

People start talking to me about their daughters/cousins/little sisters/neighbors and how wonderful they are and how their Girl Scout troupe is doing this or that. You know what? I don’t care. Your daughter/cousin/little sister is useless as a person because they are children and children contribute nothing to society. I miss the days of child labor because at least back then they could make clothing or go into coal mines. Now? Now they have adults sell their Thin-Killer Cookies and tell stories about lovely little Jane and her smile and her rendition of a dandelion in the school play.

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